When TBS decided to move Full Frontal With Samantha Bee to Wednesday nights and scheduled the first show of the new year for Jan. 11, they had no idea it would fall on the same day President-elect Donald Trump defended himself against accusations of enjoying “golden showers” in Russia by telling reporters: “I’m a germaphobe.”
Yet here we are.
Bee began by talking about President Obama’s emotional farewell speech in Chicago the night before. “Here come the waterworks,” she said. “And speaking of waterworks…”
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From there, we were off and running on #GoldenShowerGate. “Hallelujah! It’s comedy Christmas!” Bee exclaimed as the words “People are saying… Trump likes pee???!!!” appeared behind her. “Oh bullshit,” she said in response to the unsubstantiated rumors that Trump paid women to urinate on a hotel bed in front of him. “Like we’re supposed to believe Trump has started paying people who do work for him?”
“The only verifiable thing about this report is how much joy it gave me,” Bee admitted. “It also claims the Trump campaign colluded with the Kremlin, which would be a capital offense, but oh my God, DJT likes to douse beds in floozy pee!”
She went on to say that there’s “high probability” that this whole story is “bullshit,” but “the fact that it’s plausible bullshit is a terrifying statement about what our nation has come to.” No one would ever believe the same thing about President Obama, Bee added, because “he’s got people who do that for free,” referring to Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan.
“But we absolutely believe that Donald Trump is petty enough to hire someone to take a whiz in any bed his predecessor has slept in,” Bee said. “In fact, if we believe doing something nasty and petty is what gets Trump hard, then his late-night tweets about Alec Baldwin make a lot more sense.”
And while CNN “broke the seal” on the story, Bee said it was BuzzFeed that said “fuck journalistic standards, here you go!” But as she explained, this story has been around for a while and even FBI Director James Comey would never “confirm nor deny” a report of this nature. Unless, of course, she added, his “rebellious agents think America’s about to elect a total bitch.”
As “ludicrous” as the allegations against Trump are, Bee joked that to believe they’re true you would first have to accept that the president-elect “has some bizarre fixation with women and their bladders.” Cut to the clip of Trump calling Hillary Clinton’s mid-debate trip to the restroom “disgusting.”
On the morning’s press conference, Bee said, “While it’s fun to watch a livid Orange Julius explain that he can’t be into watersports because he’s a germaphobe, we may have just witnessed what the history books might call the end of America’s tradition of a free press.”
“We can only hope that the incontinent sex-worker frosting draws attention to the report’s less delicious details about Russia manipulating our president,” Bee concluded. “After all, as the old Disney song goes, a spoonful of hooker urine helps the treason claims go down.”
