John Oliver teased President Donald Trump for his inability to escape the increasingly loud calls to release the Epstein files.
“Trump has been struggling to move past this as new revelations keep coming out,” Oliver said in his opening monologue for Sunday’s Last Week Tonight, his first since returning from summer hiatus.
Oliver noted Trump’s lawsuit against The Wall Street Journal for its scoop alleging Trump had submitted a special message for Epstein’s 50th birthday card that included a scrawl from Trump in the form of a naked female with pubic hair. “But also, and I know this isn’t the point, Why the f--- is this Trump’s signature?” Oliver asked, displaying the president’s squiggly penmanship. “Donald Trump has 11 letters, not 400 m’s. His signature looks less like pubes and more like the polygraph results when he’s asked if he’s ever been friends with Jeffrey Epstein.”
Despite “desperately trying to draw people’s attention anywhere else,” including the Washington Commanders, Oliver referenced Trump’s attempts at trying to change the subject and switch focus to former President Barack Obama.
“Yeah. It’s that easy,” Oliver replied mockingly. “And if they keep asking, just say Hillary shot JFK, Rosie O’Donnell did 9/11, and Nancy Pelosi f---ed a bat. That’s how we got COVID. No further questions. And while distraction is usually one of Trump’s greatest weapons, it doesn’t seem to be working here.”
Even ordering his employees to dump files related to the 1968 assassination of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. didn’t do the trick, Oliver said, adding that King’s own daughter, Bernie, quipped on X to the administration: “Now, do the Epstein files.”
“In terms of internet clapbacks, that is up there with Wendy’s asking if we can send Katy Perry back to space—and I don’t say that lightly,” Oliver said, before adding that even the so-called “QAnon Shaman,” Jacob Chansley, also had ranted about Trump’s connections to Epstein, calling the president a fraud and cussing him out on July 23.
“Once you’ve lost Dipshit Daniel Boone here, you are in trouble,” Oliver said. “And it’s understandable why Trump’s struggling to get even his own base to take his word for it that there is nothing to see here. Because to do so, you’d essentially have to believe that everything we’ve learned about Trump over the years is irrelevant or sheer coincidence. That all Trump did was repeatedly host Epstein at Mar-a-Lago, have him at his wedding, hang out with him at Victoria’s Secret fashion shows, get listed as a passenger on his plane eight times, joke with him at a party while pointing out hot women and saying something into his ear that got the most grotesque smile in the history of human expressions, tell a reporter ‘I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He likes women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.’ And allegedly host a calendar girl competition where other than the two dozen or so women flown in to provide the entertainment, the only guests were him and Jeffrey Epstein.”
Oliver continued with a long list of grievances against Trump: “You’d also have to forget about Trump bragging about his ability to grab women’s genitals,” he said, referencing the infamous Access Hollywood tape.
“I guess, ideally, Trump would have Jeffrey Epstein on tape vehemently denying their connection. Unfortunately, what he’s got instead is this moment in Epstein’s 2010 deposition,” Oliver said, noting recently resurfaced footage showing Epstein pleading his “Fifth, Sixth and Fourteenth Amendment rights” when asked about his relationship with Trump.
“Yeah, not great!” Oliver said. “If the answer’s no, just say that. Instead, Epstein started listing amendments like he was ordering off the value menu.”
