Historically, being a self-proclaimed virgin on reality dating TV usually isn’t a recipe for success.
Contestants on the Bachelor franchise who open up about saving themselves for marriage are historically reduced to being the “virgin” of the season, a trend that didn’t improve when the show paraded former “virgin Bachelor” Colton Underwood around like a rare zoo animal. But in Hulu’s controversial new dating show Are You My First?, virginity isn’t a quirk—it’s your ticket for entry.
As the title suggests, Are You My First?, all ten episodes of which drop August 18, brings together a group of eligible virgins to mingle at a tropical resort and maybe even—gasp—lose their V-card to that special someone.
Imagine a group of frenzied comedy writers locked in a room until they’ve come up with roughly 500 virginity puns, and you have a good sense of the series’ narration, which is supplied by our hosts, former Bachelorette star Kaitlyn Bristowe and Underwood himself. Whereas discussing your sexual history in the real world can often feel taboo, it’s the punchline of every contestant and host joke alike—the elimination ceremonies are called “virgin sacrifices,” for crying out loud!
In case the fact that this show is hosted by two Bachelor alumni wasn’t enough of a hint, yes, Are You My First? shares considerable DNA with the iconic reality dating franchise (after all, both are under Disney jurisdiction).
Like this year’s radically different, Love Island-adjacent take on Bachelor in Paradise, the show’s niche dating pool feels like another, more extreme attempt by Disney’s reality TV suits to compete with the threat of wildly popular, newer streaming reality shows. A pack of virgins aren’t directly comparable to the horny stars of Too Hot To Handle, and Bristowe and Underwood can’t hold a candle to Love Island narrator Iain Sterling—who could? But the fact that this series exists at all is a testament to the growing pains that legacy reality executives are experiencing in their quest to market themselves to a new generation of reality fans.
Still, our hosts’ cheeky double entendres don’t change the fact that there’s a smarmy conservatism embedded in Are You My First?’s basic premise. It quickly becomes clear that the show’s concept of virginity is a heteronormative one centered on penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex. One woman recalls an unfortunate fingering incident years before, and another guy is shocked to find that his bro hasn’t at least “gotten head.”
Our society at large might perpetuate this idea, but that doesn’t change the fact that, at the end of the day, virginity is a myth. In reality, there is no single definition of sex (see: the recent Ultimatum: Queer Love reunion), and some people simply aren’t interested in it (see: asexuality).
Underwood—whose Bachelor winner Cassie Randolph filed a temporary restraining order against him in 2020 for alleged stalking and harassment—has been open about how his own self-proclaimed virginity stemmed from religious trauma that prevented him from coming out as gay for years. Putting aside his thorny past, why is he so eager to host a show obsessed with game-ifying straight sex in the first place?
For all its inherent ickiness, Are You My First? does offer a fascinating snapshot of the well-documented ideological gulf springing up between Gen Z men and women.
In the four episodes provided for review, only one woman cites her religion as the reason for her abstinence. For the rest, it’s more complicated: One opens up about having vaginismus, a condition in which someone’s vagina involuntarily tightens when something enters it; another has an OnlyFans account, despite being a self-proclaimed late bloomer. Many of the other women mention wanting to save their “first time” for the right person. That’s certainly their prerogative, but it’s difficult to separate this idea of one’s virginity as a sacred thing to lose from more widespread purity culture teachings.
Meanwhile, most of the dudes are only abstaining from sex for religious reasons (you’ll be shocked to learn that one of the Mormons is not thrilled to learn about OnlyFans Girl’s pastime).
While the women invoke feminism and pathologize their avoidant attachment styles, the men’s comparatively rigid moral codes line up neatly with all that viral hand-wringing about Zoomer guys’ surging conservatism. In one of the show’s most confounding scenes, a male contestant confidently claims that he doesn’t believe in gender roles before immediately launching into a screed about the importance of men being the leaders of the family and having a home-cooked meal waiting for them at home.
Structurally, the biggest hurdle facing Are You My First? is its general lack of in-show stakes. Contestants vote off their peers who don’t seem to be forming genuine connections, but outside of some suggestive challenges, they don’t have an incentive like a cash prize to keep them there. And even if one fan-favorite couple is left standing at the end, I really don’t need to know which “base” they got to—some things simply aren’t my business!
Are You My First? claims to be a judgment-free space for virgins to explore romantic connections. And sure, it can be intimidating to date when you feel behind your peers, experience-wise. But in that case, how does making your virginity such an identity marker do anything but add to the pressure of finding a partner?
When all is said and done, Are You My First? feels a lot like that Breaking Dawn: Part 1 montage of Bella Swan anxiously doing everything in her power to prolong her first time with her Mormon-coded vampire husband. As difficult as it can be to unlearn sexual shame or self-consciousness, your sexual experience is only an all-consuming identity if you make it one—and in this case, it’s a Disney rebrand ploy, too.
