This week:
- The best/most surprising celebrity couple ever.
- The end of an era.
- In Gwyneth we trust.
- Comedy is dead.
- #Mariah4Ever
The Naked Truth
Celebrities are being insane again.
Thank God.
I didn’t know how much I needed this.
My friends are posting Instagram carousels of how much they’ve loved this summer, and I can’t relate because Instagram doesn’t allow you to just post a shrieking rage scream in lieu of photos at a beach. So I am extremely thankful that after I scroll past those posts, I am greeted by absolutely insane celebrity news. The social media manna from heaven. The extremely online water to keep me hydrated while I wait in 100-degree heat for a subway to take me to my job.
It was on that subway platform as my buttcrack received sweat it never even knew a human was capable of producing that I saw the news that Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson are (maybe, but kinda definitely) dating.
I grew up in the ’90s, so Baywatch was a series that we watched together as a family and Schindler’s List was the pinnacle of excellence in movies. They are dating?!
There are three facts in this case.
The first is that The Naked Gun, the reboot of Leslie Nielsen’s comedy satire franchise that Neeson and Anderson star in, is the funniest movie I’ve seen probably in a decade. I can’t tell you how much better your terrible summer will be if you go see this perfectly 80-minute movie and laugh so hard you forget that everything else is awful. It’s so stupid. (Complimentary.)
The second is that we’ve been starved for good celebrity gossip, and didn’t realize it because we’ve been so preoccupied by other news.
The third is: Awwwww…
Despite my being so online that my iPhone congratulates me in a stressful alert when I’ve only had 17 hours of screentime that day, I do not have proof that Pamela Anderson and Liam Neeson are dating.
There has been an annoyance of press tours recently where the stars of a movie flirt purposefully to gin up speculation of their glamorous love affair, which in turn sparks interest in their movie. In my mind, Anderson, 58, and Neeson, 73, don’t have the patience for that. Plus, Andy Cohen commented on their relationship, so by the Bible (The Book of Real Housewives, Old Testament), this relationship is fact.
Not since Meryl Streep and Martin Short started boinking and loved each other so much they did the whole PDA paparazzi show have I been so engaged in a celebrity romance.
I don’t give one single f--- about young hot celebrities who have Us Weekly on speed dial to publish photos of the big new relationship that was discovered at a football game. I need you to be older than my parents, absolutely make no sense together, and be so pure about it that I believe in love again.
To reiterate, I have no inside information about Pam and Liam (in my head they’re already Pamiam). But this is a coupling that is rejuvenating my emptying Summer in NY Will to Live.
In fact, laughing at and about celebrity relationships is the source of all my recent joy. We used to care about this kind of nonsense so much, but that interest has gone away. Its revival is making me so happy.
Did you see that Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau had a date? Never has there been a celebrity more gasping for attention (her oxygen levels are still low from being in outer space) and never has there been a politician who identifies as “I used to be so hot and everyone loved me but now I’m separated and people don’t care about me anymore.”
They are a perfect celebrity date that doesn’t amount to anything, but is fodder for a million headlines. This used to happen on a weekly basis! I missed it!
Also this week, Tom Cruise and Ana de Armas were spotted holding hands. Remember when magazines used to halt printing and reshoot their covers when Tom Cruise was spotted holding hands with someone? The good ole days.
I love the tabloid speculation it’s surfaced, because, frankly, in this day and age of Trump derangement news dominating our lives, I miss stupid celebrity tabloid speculation. Is she a Scientologist now? Is he grooming her? I do not care one bit about the answer to those questions; I just want to see them splashed across a cover of a magazine in the check-out aisle when I am buying a Gatorade, toilet paper, and batteries at 10 pm at CVS.
Celebrity romance wasn’t just a silly news beat, it used to be a lifestyle. We used to consume ourselves in this stuff, in a way that we can’t get it up for the new crop of big actors. Is Glen Powell dating Sydney Sweeney? I care more about is this sock an acceptable pair for this slightly different sock that came back from my laundry.
But when we get a Meryl and Marty, or a Liam and Pam, that surge of trashy serotonin comes back. We needed this.
The End of an Era
Who am I without Carrie Bradshaw?
It sounds ridiculous, and I am acknowledging that. I also need to acknowledge, and now, more than ever, can’t ignore, how closely entwined my adult life has been with watching her, rewatching her, debating her, questioning her, judging her, being her, loving being her, hating being her, and writing stupid words about her.
It was just announced that And Just Like That is ending with this season’s finale, and, with it, the Sex and the City universe as a whole. It’s a series that defined an era, and then, with questionable sequels and subsequent series, was mocked for its attachment to that era.
But I never lost sight of Carrie. A person who was so bad at living her life, despite her obvious fabulousness and appearance of glamor.
For all of the issues with And Just Like That, if we look back on it in a decade’s time, we’ll be surprised by how well it portrayed Carrie. She was a person who lived through her “It Girl” era and had to reckon with who she was as an adult who may be—and it’s a phrase we’re never allowed to say—past her prime.
But the show gave that dignity, and allowed her to find herself anew, which I appreciated and saw myself in, even as I mocked Che Diaz, the bastardization of Miranda Hobbes, and the Aidan cringe of it all.
I’m appreciative of And Just Like That for that most of all…the realization that you can be a hater and a lover at the same time. And even a bad show is kind of great. Like a bad person can be good.
The Gwynethassiance
Gwyneth Paltrow is a perfect celebrity. I know because I know how much you all hate her.
There was a discussion in our newsroom recently about “why does everyone hate Gwyneth Paltrow?” I brought up the fact that I wrote a story with that exact headline…13 years ago. That’s how long we’ve been having this conversation about her, and how long she’s been this mystifying.
I’ve carried around my love of Gwyneth’s particular and polarizing brand of celebrity my entire professional life, like a GOOP-endorsed jade egg shoved up my a--: unapologetically and sometimes uncomfortably.
I go back and forth on whether she is livid that this new dishy biography from author Amy Odell is out, or if she is actually living for it. Both options would be perfectly Gwyneth, and that’s why I love her. (Also, you need to watch Amy Odell’s conversation with Joanna Coles on The Daily Beast Podcast. It’s so good.)
This Can’t Be Real
It’s not just that this Travis Kelce/Bad Bunny scene in Happy Gilmore 2 is unhumorously stupid. It’s the fact that this behind-the-scenes video cuts to the director, the production team, and Adam Sandler losing their minds laughing at it. I feel like I need to be lobotomized to understand.
Forever the Icon
In lieu of a eulogy, when I die, please just piece together a string of Mariah Carey quotes about aging and time.
More From The Daily Beast’s Obsessed
My favorite married acting couple talks about their insane new movie together. Read more.
If you’re aware of the “Oh, Mary!” pandemonium in New York, you’ll love this. Read more.
I may never get over this Below Deck meltdown. Read more.
What to Watch This Week:
The Naked Gun: It’s just so, so funny. Nothing else to say. (Now in theaters)
Together: This is at once so much fun to watch, and so hard to watch. (Now in theaters)
And Just Like That: I couldn’t help but wonder…did we judge this series too harshly? (Now on HBO Max)
What to Skip This Week:
Leanne: Maybe just watch Reba instead. (Now on Netflix)
Happy Gilmore 2: We all deserve better than this. (Now on Netflix)
