There’s a certain flow to an episode of The Real Housewives of Miami. You get the royalty-free Latin music mix, one or two shots of lifestyle porn, and 173 confessionals—at minimum—all striving to be the funniest Greek chorus moment you’ll see on TV all week. Sometimes a well-oiled machine starts to run too smoothly.
That’s my way of saying: Please, please cut the confessional count in half, Bravo. These women are all very funny and charming in their own ways, but we don’t need to see all nine react to every little moment. And that’s a response to one of the best scenes in the entire season, the Alexia vs. Stephanie dinner showdown, one that grinds right to a halt with each cut to the peanut gallery, making it impossible to feel the rush.
The Miami Housewives are off to Seville, Spain (pronounced Suh-Vee-Yuh, according to linguistics expert Alexia Nepola, who would surely be disgusted to hear the episode title is “The Thrill of Seville,” a rhyme that only works with the Anglicized pronunciation).
In this case, it’s not about the destination; it’s all about the journey. For Stephanie, the trip is a chance to flex her fiscal muscle, offering up her private plane to a lucky three: Larsa, Julia, and Adriana. These ladies get some charcuterie, Shoma-branded pajamas, and… well, the chance to fly a small plane over the ocean. It seems pretty scary in all honesty, but that’s life in the fast lane, baby.
Forced to rough it in business class, Marysol, Alexia, Kiki, and Guerdy trek to Seville a few hours behind. Meanwhile, Lisa takes the scenic route, legitimately taking a plane, train and taxi to meet the ladies. The queen of showing up late is so behind, the camera crew all abandon her, leaving us sorely unable to watch Lisa’s big, bold, beautiful journey. She says it was really scary. There was a point where people didn’t even speak English. Chills.
The trip gets off to a rocky start when, as soon as they arrive at the hotel, Julia unpacks her pots and pans and fires up the stove. Mere seconds into Alexia and co.’s arrival, Julia hits her with the news that “we’re talking about you” with the giddy smile of a woman who’s gone further and further off the deep end since hosting an adoption announcement Zoom call.
“What is she doing? We haven’t even been off my plane for two hours, and this is how she repays me? She doesn’t even let me have the conversation? She goes and gossips? That is one horrible, disgusting move,” Stephanie huffs and puffs, disturbed beyond belief that Julia would ruin her company retreat with this drama.
“You’re already stirring the pot, and it hasn’t even been 10 minutes!?”
Julia’s flying far too close to the sun, as though Stephanie doesn’t own the entire air traffic department. She knows exactly where Julia’s planes and pots lie, and she’s not having it.
Stephanie has such a funny cadence, emphasizing every syllable with sanctimony. She’s a little bit HR, a little bit schoolteacher, dressed like a flanderized Dorit Kemsley/Bree van de Kamp hybrid. All the money in the world, and she’s rolling up with some tacky barrettes and flipped ends?
Meanwhile, Larsa is receiving threatening phone calls from a bevy of blocked numbers, saying “I have a crush on you” before hanging up. Sounds really unsettling! As Larsa’s in the middle of telling the ladies this, Stephanie rolls up and stage shouts, “Wait, okay! So Larsa, are you dating anybody?” as though we aren’t in the middle of Scream 7. Read the room, babe.
This plot point is immediately dropped, which really shows the difference between Miami and Salt Lake City. Whitney Rose would start accusing Lisa Barlow of knowing the killer, while Heather Gay adopts a new identity to uncover the true mystery. Meanwhile, Britani just can’t figure out if she and Jared will ever work it out! She’s the opening kill.
Finally, the ladies that aren’t named Lisa sit down for a nice dinner at the hotel restaurant, accompanied by some local artists with a musical message for Alexia. This right here might be the funniest scene of the season. The slo-mo editing of Alexia and Marysol tearing up, accompanied by the heartfelt confessional about how “Flamenco is passion. Flamenco’s a story. It’s love, and it’s also pain” is immediately undercut by Stephanie and Larsa trying to stifle some laughs.
“I’m not feeling any emotion right now,” Larsa declares in a confessional, as though she’s ever had an emotion beyond confusion in her life. As an alien sent down to earth, she’s still learning what it means to be a human being. Back on her planet, telling everyone you know that your co-worker has cancer is a cultural norm. Asking “how do you know?” is their way of showing support.
Having mastered the art of Earthly gossip, Larsa explains to Alexia that Stephanie meant no harm in discussing her earlier, despite Julia’s potstirring claims. Finally, we launch into Stephanie vs. Alexia round three, and as always, it’s the fans who win.
Their fight is so deliciously subtextual. It’s truly Nicole vs. Alexia all over again, only this time with someone who’s actually willing to get in the mud. They’re both sensitive, overly confident, and far too interested in semantics to get anywhere. They’ll be best friends a year from now. After all, neither of them hold grudges! Apparently! I love liars.
Speaking of, Lisa rolls up in the middle of the night, sneaking into Marysol’s room to get a beat down from the bros. This leads to our second “Lisa runs late” montage of the episode, which is something we’ll totally discuss at the reunion if she manages to make it on time. Everyone’s going to be real sorry when they find out the reason Lisa was late. Where’s that clip of Adriana telling Lisa, “Well first of all, you have ADD” when you need it?
