It’s only a four hour bus ride from Seville to Marbella, but a 22-minute flight has wreaked havoc on the entire cast of The Real Housewives of Miami. This is what anti-public transit propaganda does to a community.
Stephanie Shojaee, the newest Housewife in Miami, has tried everything she possibly can to integrate herself in the group, and she’s falling back on what she knows best: being bossy and annoying.
Somehow, this hasn’t exactly landed with everyone, as Alexia and Marysol have decided to ditch the power trip to Marbella after Stephanie’s somewhat deranged tirade at the end of last week’s episode. Who knew it wouldn’t land well to sit in a hotel lobby drawing a flight map while eagerly assigning one of your friends to prison row?
Stephanie Shojaee has never had a friend before. Her sisters hate her. Her closest tie to the group is Larsa Pippen, who would be unable to prove she has emotions in a court of law. You can kind of tell Stephanie’s last time being in a friend group was in school. This entire ordeal just reeks of a third grade field trip where your classmate’s mom is chaperoning, and she can bring along three lucky girls in the car.
Stephanie was so the kid who took charge when the teacher went to the bathroom. She spent every recess yelling at her friends for misunderstanding the rules to a game she just created. Don’t even think about cutting that girl in line. She’ll end you.
Unsurprisingly, she’s never progressed from that playground mentality. When Julia offers Stephanie some constructive criticism (“Stephanie, I love you, but sometimes your delivery is very bossy!”), Stephanie shoots back: “You obviously don’t think I’m that bossy if you’re about to get on my plane to go.” Queen of proving the point.
After all that, Bravo devotes 13 minutes of footage to the Marbella trip. Shorter than the flight.
The Marbella segment is very “great gowns, beautiful gowns.” The scenery is great, the women all reference The White Lotus, and Lisa announces she’s “officially divorced,” complete with a flashback where she reads: “You are officially divorced… Huh… I’m officially divorced!? Wow…. Okay.” Something about that will sit with me for a long time. And that’s about all the Marbella scenes offer.
Back in Seville, the ladies don flamenco dresses to have a big blowout in the Plaza de España, which feels like a culmination of everything The Real Housewives of Miami have built up to. It’s cinematic, chaotic, and a cutting come-down from the scene just minutes before, where the women celebrated Stephanie’s birthday.
“You know, she doesn’t have a lot of girlfriends, so this is really special for her,” Guerdy says, delivering an accidentally vicious dig. Maybe it was on purpose, but I fear that would be giving her too much credit.
Once the ladies are done celebrating Stephanie, the birthday girl decides to reprimand Alexia and Marysol for ditching the plane ride. Scolding people is her favorite activity, after all. Why not indulge in a little birthday treat?
Stephanie’s fights with Alexia all go in the same exact direction, where two total divas speak over each other with little to no desire to hear the other side. Stephanie is a bit of a dog with a bone (a chihuahua, if you will), as she holds on to every minor grievance while tightening her bun further and further. Her people skills… they’re just not good. Some would call them bad. You know the Shoma employees hold their breath when she rolls up to the conference room.
And so the entire cast engage in a brawl in the middle of Spain, Lisa and Larsa deciding to get in the mix just for the thrill of it. One day, those two will realize their love language is arguing.
As chaos surrounds the entire group, Adriana decides this is the perfect opportunity to pull Kiki aside and let her know that she has forgiven herself for being microaggressive. She just hopes Kiki can forgive her, too.
You see, Adriana actually meant to call Kiki “wretched,” not ratchet, which she’s been saying all week on social media, but I just assumed it was post-filming damage control. Leave it to Adriana to look up “words that sound like ratchet” in real time to steer herself back on course.
To be fair, Adriana is one of three Housewives who would use wretched unironically. The other two are Meredith Marks and Heather Dubrow.
Thus, the women return to the hotel in such tatters that Marysol confides in Adriana. Talk about swinging the cast back in your favor. Adriana’s background in galleries clearly taught her a thing or two about the art of persuasion. Adrianators, we’re back in the green!
Really, is it important to focus on if Adriana is racist, or if Kiki is ageist, or if Marysol and Alexia are classist towards the rich? What actually matters is that some random man died and his funeral parade is on the street next to the hotel.
“Is that the smell of death!? God is speaking to us!” Lisa announces, before Alexia delivers a gorgeous confessional about how the group needs to come to Jesus. You see, when you assign the narrator role to a true confessionalist, everything comes together.
Now the group can finally go forth in peace, letting worldly worries wash to the wayside. To that point, Stephanie has realized that feuding with Alexia is futile, and she’s putting down her sword… only to turn her sights toward the real master of disaster: Marysol. Could the sniper from the side finally be taken to task? This girlboss is about to put her hair up in a messy bun and handle it.
Hope you enjoyed that 40-second reprieve from the drama.
